Tuesday, May 15, 2012

What are you afraid of?

God asked me that question this week. And the answer, well, it was illuminating. Here's a bit of background… Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to be an artist when I grew up. always. I wanted to paint, draw, anything that involved creating something. As long as I can remember, I've always felt that it's what I was made to do somehow. In more recent years, I've even had complete strangers pray for me and prophesy about how God would use me as an artist somehow, through painting specifically.

Now ask me how often I paint these days…  Probably once or twice every few months. yes, months.

(Ouch. I hate answering that question. It reminds me of exactly what I'm sharing with you today.)

You're probably thinking "Okay, crazy Jess, why are you not spending any time at all doing the thing you love most and you know you were made to do?"

I am afraid. 

I'm afraid of not being good enough. of failing. I'm afraid of making art that doesn't live up to my own expectations. I'm afraid of not being as good as this artist or that artist. I am so afraid. And I've allowed it to paralyze me.

I've known this for a while, but as of late God has been revealing to me just what this fear means. It doesn't come from humility or insecurity. It comes from pride and self reliance. I am too proud to even allow for the chance that I will fail. And in doing so, I am completely relying on me and not at all on God's provision and direction.

Some big changes are in order. Some of the outward sort. But mostly the heart-transplant sort of changes are needed. I need God to step in, rid me of my pride, and show me again how to trust Him. even when I am afraid.

It may not be painting for you, but we all have something. Something that we have allowed fear and pride to keep us from doing. Something that we have grasped too tightly in our own hands. We are all learning to trust.

What are you afraid of? 




Andrea D said...

Oh, I'm with you on this. I'm an aspiring author. After graduating with my Bachelors, I took the past year off of school and work to dedicate myself to my writing. And I actually did a ton of writing, including completing two novels I think may be worth publishing. But I've yet to perfect either one of them so that I can send them out into the world. Probably because I'm scared that once I send them to agents, my hard work is going to be criticized and rejected...over and over.
It's so hard trying to succeed in a creative field...but don't forget how rewarding it is, either! :)

Daisy said...

How funny I just posted about pride today. Funny how God works. I am on the same boat. There does need to be a heart transplant. Thank you for the reminder.

Laura Hernandez said...

I'm afraid of not being good enough...of failing. But for me its as a parent. I struggle {a lot} which my decisions. But I just pray daily that God holds me through every stage of life and puts the words in my mouth that needs to be said. Awesome post Jess. Love you.

Pamela said...

Some good things to think about.
Great post

Mary Rosanne said...

As your mom I've seen you struggle with this since your youth. Don't try to paint perfection. You are too hard on yourself. You see the art in your mind, but your brush won't obey... yet. It will, keep painting, joyfully trusting that God has instilled this gift in you... He will bring it out of you too.

Mrs. T said...

Beautiful post. I have been feeling fear too much lately too!

Charis said...

I'm right with you Jess. I've always been artistic but I just don't think I'm good enough and fear of failure is literally my biggest fear. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

jennifer blair said...

Reading this for the second time and love it even more.

Autumn said...

I'm afraid of getting invested/committed in things enough to fail.

Thanks for this post, it was what I needed too!

Chelsea said...

Great post, and that image is wonderful.

Blake said...

Great post. I know how you feel. I'm afraid of doing random things-- like starting to work out because I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint myself. And honestly, I don't know if I can handle that right now. I was also afraid of starting my blog.. but a week in, and it's going pretty well.

I love yours!

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