Learning Patience

[me and one of my oldest, dearest friends circa 1997. Yes, be jealous of our bangs.]

So often we don't realize what a huge part of our life something is until it's no longer there. We were living where we both grew up in California. We were surrounded by friends and family who had known us for years and been with us through our ups and downs. We had history.

We were prepared for & expecting to miss those people. We definitely do. And it's difficult, but at least expected. I don't think we realized how much we would miss that history though. No matter how much you "click" with a person you've just met, nothing can replace those years of memories that built our relationships before.

Now, I am naturally pretty shy, but I love people & I love being close with them. I can also be a little socially awkward in unfamiliar/group situations. So in our first couple weeks here, I would ramble. If I felt a connection with someone new, I would get instant word vomit. I just wanted to tell them everything about my life and be instant best friends. (Thankfully God is gracious and it's likely that only a couple people think I'm a complete narcissist).

I was trying to force myself and others into deep relationships that take time to develop & cannot (& should not) be contrived because I was so afraid to be without those relationships. It took becoming that socially awkward, rambling version of myself for me to recognize that fear for what it was: a lack of trust in God.

I still have that fear, but I can choose to let it control me or to give it up to Jesus on a daily basis. I can choose to be a slave to that fear (or any other!) or I can choose freedom in Christ & listen when He says:

Let me sustain you in this time. Let me use it for the purposes I have planned for you. 

It takes time to build history with people. I will never have a friend here who can reminisce with me about our 2nd grade teacher. Who can laugh with me about our awkward adolescence. Or even who was at our wedding. But I know that God is faithful. I know that he will provide those strong, deep friendships that we need. But it will be in His time. And until then, I will learn not just to wait but to wait on Him and be free from fear and uncertainty.

Dear friends, It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Gal 5:1 NIV) If we will only let go of our own fears & trust that God will provide for us, we can experience a freedom like no other.

What is controlling you? What is it that you need to give up to God? Pray that He would give you the strength and faith to trust Him and not give into fear. He will do it.

~ jess

missing the sea

via

Disney's The Little Mermaid was released the same year I was born and is the first movie I ever remember seeing. When I was about six years old, I genuinely considered swimming into the bay and becoming a mermaid but opted out because I didn't want to leave my family. Part of me still wants to believe that's actually possible.

I grew up just down the street from the sea. It's always been a part of my life as long as I can remember.

Have you ever had a place that, every time you are there, just leaves you in awe of God's beauty... That leaves you standing star struck by the vast, amazing work of art before you... That place for me has always been the ocean. I've never lived farther than fifteen minutes away from it and now that I no longer do, I realize how much I took that for granted.

But to be honest, missing the sea has made me realize how closed minded I have so often been to beauty of another sort. The same God who created the majestic coast of California also created the ever changing hills that surround me now. He created waves and sandy shores, but He also created trees and sunsets and seasons. All of which didn't have to look pretty in order to be practical, but are. God has created a beautiful world for our enjoyment and His glory. So who am I to say that any single stroke of this painting we call home is of lesser beauty and value than another?

I still miss the ocean as much as ever. But I am learning to stand in awe of golden light shining through intertwined branches. of snow that blankets hills in pristine white. of bricks and rooftops laid three hundred years ago still standing. I am learning to find beauty in the everyday things that are not yet familiar to me. And I am learning to see God's workmanship where I never thought to look for it before.

We are far too easily pleased.

Recently, I've had a lot of time on my hands. The husband's now at work full time. School hasn't started yet. And a social life takes time to form in a new place.

 So what do I do with all my time? Well, I've been trying to put it to good use and into the proper pursuits. And of course, things that make me happy.... Read more books. Take more walks. Spend time outside. Make new friends. Unpack. Keep house spick and span. Organize. Unpack more. Organize what I just unpacked. Keep in touch with old friends. Make new ones. Make art. Decorate house. Bake vegan cookies. & lots of other great things.

 And I've been doing those things. They really are great. There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with them. But to be honest, they don't make me happy.

 Here is what I'm learning... When it comes down to it, no amount of books or walks or artistic or social accomplishments will fill my heart. They provide temporary smiles, but they do not fulfill. They do not define. They do not sustain. I pursue these things to pursue happiness, but if I'm honest, I rarely find it there.

 And while I am giving my time to all these good things, there is a loving God who desires a relationship with me (and you!) and promises us true fulfillment and joy if we would only find it at the source, in HIM.

 Here's a quote from a sermon by C.S. Lewis & one of my favorites...

 "Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and staggering nature of the rewards promised in the gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in the slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

We must be willing to abandon the pursuit good things, for the pursuit of what is best. We are far too easily pleased.

For me, this means giving less of my time to those good, artistic, beautiful things, so that I can spend more of my time with my Creator and Savior. The only source of true and lasting Joy.

What does it look like for you?

Ps. We quote C.S. Lewis a lot around these parts. If you've never read anything by him, I would highly recommend it.

The rough patches

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: 

It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world” 

~ C.S. Lewis

These past few days I've been battling a rough case of homesickness.

As excited as I was (and am) to be here, I've been feeling really alone and a little lost. There are wonderful people that we've met. But we've still just met them. I'm longing to be surrounded by those who know me best. And they are all so far away right now. I don't want to give up and go home. I just want to be done with this phase of moving already.

I am glad we're here. And I know that God brought us here. But that doesn't necessarily mean things will automatically be a breeze. It doesn't mean that I will magically make friends overnight. It doesn't mean that we won't miss our families and life long friendships back in California.

The reality is, God hasn't promised us that this would be easy or that we'd even like it.

But He has promised to never leave us. He has promised to give us peace. to give us joy in the midst of all things. That we will never really be alone. That He will provide for us. That His plans for us have a purpose... It's a long list.

Because I know that... It's now up to me. I can either crawl into a corner and try to escape, or I can recognize God's sovereignty and choose to trust Him.

God grows us, speaks to us, comforts us, and loves us in the midst of pain in such a tangible way. He makes it worth it. Because I know Him, I know that it will be.

So, dear friends. Keep us in your prayers. Pray that we would allow God to grow us through the rough patches.

Also, here's some adorableness thrown in for good measure... you're welcome.

a quote that put a knot in my throat

I follow John Piper, a well known author and pastor, on twitter. He’s not one of those people who tweets once an hour, but more like once every few days. When he says something, it’s usually worth taking note; much like C.S. Lewis.

Anyway…

I read one of his tweets a while ago and it pretty much slapped me across the face. twice.

It was somewhere along the lines of, “If you’re afraid of offending someone when you speak, nothing will ever come out of your mouth.”

It’s been a while since I’ve said anything, via Facebook, Twitter, on here, etc. The reason? Well to be honest I’m constantly fighting letting people’s opinions run my life. And for a while I’ve been losing. I care about what people think about me. My thoughts, my music, my perspective, my life. Although I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing, I’ve realized I care too much. Too much to the point where I no longer say or do or write anything because I’m afraid of how it’s going to be perceived. Can I be honest with you? It’s a miserable way to live. It really is.

Call it cliché, but I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try to be cool/acceptable/trendy/hip, I’m always falling short in someone’s opinion. And I think I now know why. They are dealing with exact same problem I am.

You see, God took the blindfold off and showed me a mirror. I’m always tempted to be negative and critical of others. You can ask my wife. My close friends. Call me a Debbie Downer because I have an eye for pointing out what’s wrong in people, in life, and in circumstances. But my wife is the complete opposite. I think that’s why I’m starting to see it in myself. What makes this whole thing ironic though is that I’m as fragile as thin glass when it comes to hearing criticism from someone else. Especially people I don’t know. If there was a phobia for being afraid of hearing negative things about yourself, I would have it. Even constructive criticism is like taking a baseball bat to the gut. It hurts so bad that I try and avoid it at all costs, missing out on ways to improve. Sometimes I’ll even break down in tears.

I now know that I tear others down, sometimes in harsh ways, in order to make myself feel better about myself. My sinfulness leads me believe that when I point out the flaws in another person (most of the time just opinons not facts), and magnify them so greatly, that somehow by doing this, I fool other people into focusing on how bad they are and not how bad I am.

How malicious the human’s heart is.

So where does God fit into all of this? Allow me to try and describe to you how I see it in my mind.

I find myself in a room the size of a large living room. In it are people. All sorts of people. Big people. Small people. People I know. People I don’t know. Angry people. Happy People.

They’re all crowded in this room with me; facing me. All telling me things. Good things, bad things, unknown things, things left to my own interpretation, some are whispered, some yelled across the room. This chaos of verbiage is all going on at the same time; picture the chaos of the stock market happening in your living room.

God is also in this room.

But unfortunately, because I control the proximity of the people in this room, I’ve put God in the back corner; behind the people inches away from my face yelling things at me.

God’s speaking to me too, competing for my attention behind these people, trying so hard to be heard; to get me to look at Him.

You see, the entire room is telling me what to change about myself; what they like and what they don’t like.

God’s no different. He’s suggesting that I change certain things about myself too. But the way He presents these suggestions is totally different from the rest. He’s not the loudest voice, He’s the quietest.

But the choice is mine. I turn the volume of the voices up or down. I control who is where in the room. I’m left with the responsibility to re-arrange these people, to turn others down some, and to kick others out completely.

I call this room influence.

What is influencing you right now? Am I? What about the last website you were just on? What about this morning? This evening?

I’ve found that throughout my day, I will be inviting things (or people) into my room of influence; sometimes not even realizing I sent out an invitation. Some of the faces in my room have been there for years, others I will only see for a day.

Who, or what, is in your room?

Celebrities? Television? Radio? Friends? Money? Culture? God?

For me, I had to kick some people out, turn others down, and bring God in a little closer.

Something that came along with God coming in a little closer, was the reminder of how short this life is. In it, are the lives of others that are just as short, and many of them in very similar rooms. Rooms filled with just as much, if not more people than were in mine. Leaving you, just like me, feeling inadequate, or hurting. But God might not be in your room. Maybe the lights have gone out, leaving you completely clueless to what’s influencing you.

My hope and prayer is that if you’re like me, prone to retreat and hide when facing criticism or inadequacy, and calling out what is wrong with the rest of the world, that you’ll find courage and strength to be who God made you to be, but also be open to letting God mold and change you. Learn and follow the perspective of Jesus through the Bible, allow God to change how you’re mind works. Not only will it be freeing, but it will allow you to help others as well.

Sincerely,

René